If regions of your brain had tinder profiles
Contributor Vivian Cheng
24. Location: deep and medially within temporal lobe
Amygdala is a sweet guy who will consider your feelings and give you the affection you deserve. However, sometimes he’ll go over the top with romantic gestures after he watches a Nicholas Sparks movie (like he’ll buy you flowers and get you a hot air balloon just because you said “hey babe, you’re great”). In his spare time, he listens to Ed Sheeran and cries. But watch out: if you don’t provide food for him, he’ll lash out.
22. Location: limbic system
Hippocampus is cute and nerdy. She is a doctor who graduated top of her class. Her hobbies include: puzzles, trivia, and travelling (but she especially dominates at trivia). She also remembers where you put your keys, so you can avoid that frantic search every so often. One caveat though: don’t get on her bad side because she’ll remember what you said — without the screenshots.
25. Location: frontal lobe
Prefrontal Cortex is the female equivalent of Michael Scott, except more competent. She loves to plan, mediate conflict and create spreadsheets for her future goals. When you’re with her, she makes you a better person. No more impulsive Burrito Boyz purchases at 2 a.m. and no more days wasted scrolling memes. But fart once and it’s over, she has no time for nonsense.
Parietal Temporal Occipital Area
28. Location: cerebral cortex
Parietal Temporal Occipital Area, or PTO, as his friends call him (because he believes words are a social construct), is a sophisticated artist. His artwork combines different modalities so that viewers/listeners can forge meaning through their multiple sensory systems. When you’re with him, you learn to see things from new perspectives. Who knew your Timmie’s wrap could be seen so many different ways? (I certainly didn’t because I always scarf them down after waiting thirty minutes in line for them) Despite his talents, he can be extremely pretentious and fail to understand why you don’t connect the dots as easily as he can.
20. Location: underneath cerebral hemispheres
Cerebellum is your attractive varsity athlete. While he is a football superstar, he really can do it all — dancing, swimming, baseball, you name it. Your first date will undoubtedly be at Junction, the rock climbing hub, where you’ll be sweating profusely while he complains that he needs a bigger challenge. Dating Cerebellum will get you in tip top shape, but will also make you wonder why you’re so uncoordinated.